Couples: added stress during the recession

It looks so easy on T.V. The house is clean, the children are beautifully above average and your spouse is attractive, witty and charming. It is no wonder that most couples feel they are falling short as partners, earners and parents. The reality, especially during this recession is far from a pretty picture!

It goes without saying, that families are suffering financially--sometimes for the first time. However, because finances are impacted, many folks have had to cut out such extras such as; a cleaning service, lawn service, eating out, the cleaners and many more extras, that impact a household. The end result of all this "cutting" is that the home is no longer a refuge for many families and couples, but instead a jungle of undone tasks and resentment.

Yes. I said resentment. We have long known that money is the issue most couple fight over, however, in working with couples I have noticed a very close second lately, the division of labor. As we wade through the piles of toys, laundry and newspapers, one of the "partners" will make their way to the kitchen only to discover that there are dirty dishes, an less than adequate supply of groceries. At this point, usually somebody temper is short also. At this point the enemy of all marriages may emerge. Resentment, with a capital "R."

This is not what we envisioned when we got married or began a family. Not only is it difficult to make ends meet, but our finances are a mess, our house is a mess and most of us are a mess too. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Where does a person begin when he or she feels overwhelmed, overworked and under appreciated?

I have a few suggestions to start. First, we need to redefine "normal." Even before children or the recession, most couples begin to notice that "marriage is not for the faint of heart," but the rewards can be great. Redefining "normal" may mean lowering some of your expectations, for instance, no family has ever suffered great harm from watching they're toddler write her name in the dust on the end table. In fact, it could be a "positive parenting moment." You can give little Sally kudos for learning to write her name, and put a dust cloth in her hand and teach her a little about dusting. Certainly I am being facetious, to a degree, but there can be real positives for a couple and a family when necessity dictates that we all pull together.

Another suggestion that has resonated with many couples, is to not expect your spouse to do the cooking, laundry, vacuuming and etc. the way YOU would. Generally, it is the wife who has this difficulty, but we can't be sexist here, it can be the man and often it shifts from task to task. I know personally, that my husband does not vacuum as I would, but his doing a "less than perfect job" is far better than it not getting done at all! Most men will "pitch in" if they are appreciated for their effort.

Next, when assigning tasks, make a list of what needs to be done on a daily basis, weekly basis and even a monthly basis. Then go through the tasks, and try to divide them fairly, but paying close attention to who is better at which task or compromise on tasks. For instance, I love to cook, but sometimes it looks like a tornado has gone through the kitchen when I am done. It has been helpful for me to learn to "clean up as I go along" and have my husband do the dishes. You may need to try several different scenarios before you come up with a system that will work for yourself and your partner.

After running through the tasks of the day,most women are exhausted and don't feel particularly "sexy" after scraping mashed potatoes off your toddler's chair. Men, if you did not already know, women, sexually, operate on a "different frequency" then men. When a woman is dead tired, the chances of a "meaningful sexual encounter" or ANY "sexual encounter are nil. This will be very good incentive for some men to contribute to the household "chores." Another point along these lines, is that most women, need a little "down time" to unwind before romance (remember foreplay?) and need to feel attractive. If mom is still scraping the mashed potatoes off her shirt, it is not likely she will feel sexy, even if you think she is ravishing with potatoes on her shirt. A chance to relax and clean-up, will greatly increase a woman's potential for feeling sexy.

Intimacy, is  a must for the "health" of most marriages. I don't mean just sex, I mean all forms of caring touch, a foot rub, a shower together and etc. this may not lead to sex, but in the long run, it will show appreciation for each other and decrease feelings of resentment. Woman need to remember, that for men, sex itself is often an expression of his love for you. Even following all these tips (and this certainly is not a complete list), busy couples still may not have the time or energy for sex. I suggest a "date night" at least once a week. That odes not necessarily mean "sex night," however the chances of feeling sexy will be higher when as a couple you have some "one on one time" without all the pressures of running a household and/or parenting..