Access to Domestic Violence Series

The Examiner is having "some problems." My series on Domestic Violence will begin tomorrow Sept. 1.  If you can not log on to my Examiner site (again, some problems) google cathywalkerlmsw examiner wichita family counseling.

Domestic Violence Increases During a Recession

I will be publishing a series of articles about Domestic Violence. Many will be surprised about what Domestic Violence actually is. The link to the series to begin this week is: examiner.com/x-6103-Wichita Family-Counseling-Examiner
I hope to have the first article published by tomorrow.

Our New Home

Healthy Recipe #2 Pasta with Pesto and roasted Tomatoes

PESTO

Ingredients

4 cups fresh basil

1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil (a nice "finishing oil is best as it is a "star" in the pesto)

2--8 cloves of garlic chopped (I always chop it a little to begin with so it bends better) you will want to experiment with the amount of garlic--I like a lot--others not so much

6 sprigs of parsley

salt & pepper to taste

1/4 cup of pine nuts--pine nuts are traditional, but you may substitute almonds, walnuts or pecans, I like to chop slightly before I add as it gives a smooth texture more easily

1/2--1 cup of Parmesan or Romano cheese grated or a combo, again depending on taste

Squirt of lemon to keep the fresh green color

Chicken or veggie stock optional--use it if you want to decrease the amount of oil or make it a bit looser texture wise

Combine all ingredients except cheese in blender or food processor

Add cheese after you remove from the container and stir in

*Recipe may be halved, or it freezes very well without cheese. Add cheese when it thaws. This is a good use of basil when there is extra during the summer season. You might want to freeze in ice cube trays and then pop out when frozen and store in a zip lock bag.

ROASTED TOMATOES

Ingredients

24--30 Fresh Roma Ttomatoes

1/4--1/8 cup of good extra virgin olive oil

1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper

*Note-No salt, although you will be tempted. Salt will draw out the liquid in the tomatoes and make them too soupy

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Quarter the tomatoes and remove seeds

Place on a sheet pan with a "lip"

Sprinkle with pepper and drizzle with olive oil

Bake in the oven for 10 minutes, stir and bake another ten minutes

Putting it Together

Prepare 1 1/2 lbs of pasta  following pasta directions. Tubular pastas are very good. Penne is a favorite for this recipe. I suggest a whole wheat variety to boost up the fiber content as well as protien content.

Drain pasta, reserving 1 cup of starchy cooking liquid

Combine Pasta with pesto, adding pesto a little at a time until pasta is covered liberally, you may or may not have some pesto left. Toss in 3/4 of the roasted tomatoes gently as to not "break them up"

Toss is 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes if you are a fan of them (I am)

Garish with additional cheese and tomatoes

Will Your Child Graduate from College? How About High School?

I remember vividly when my daughter was born. As I held her in my arms,( after I'd counted her fingers and toes) I said a silent prayer that she would live up to her full potential. I assumed that meant she would graduate from college. I am sure that is the wish of many parents when they have a child.

I am fortunate. My daughter graduated from college and medical school-- in spite of fact that I was a "single mother ."In those days (I know I sound like a 90 year old lady now) the conventional wisdom was that a child from a "broken family", (which is what a single parent family was called), had little chance of success in life. There wasn't a great deal of research in those days. Maybe that was for the best. Negative research might have discouraged parents, and children of single parent households. Research today implies that it is not the number of parents in a household, but the support a family receives. I am firm believer ,that having faith in your child, as well as having high expectations, will allow a child to reach for the stars--whatever his or her star may look like.

I will admit, that the latest statistics about children today are disheartening to say the least. This is the first generation of children who may die before their parents due to obesity related illnesses. This is a reason that I will be writing at least one "healthful" recipe a week and include recipes for the busy parent (and who is not?).

Now I begin my RANT. First, I was far from a perfect parent--all you need to do is ask my daughter for verification. But I was a conscientious parent. After doing years of family and parenting counseling, I have drawn some conclusions, which I am certain will offend many--and I will respond to each person who contacts me. This is a very important discussion, for our youth, our families and our nation. So here goes!

This weeks "cheery" statistics about the youth today has focused on education. It has been said for several years that American children are lagging far behind other nations in math and science. The statistics this week state that American children are only 14th on the list of  countries whose children will graduate college---we used to be first!  Our high school graduation rate is one of the worst of any industrialized nations (maybe somebody can give me the actual statistic?)

I don't know about how other folks feel about this, but I believe that our children are our most valuable resource. So, what is going on with our children? I know there are people on the political "Right" who will point out the demise of a society full of "sinners." However, our country was founded by religious dissidents, and we seemed to do pretty well. I see little value in judging other's regarding religious philosophies. One mans sinner might be another man's saint.

Finding somebody to blame, seems pointless to me. Finding some causes that we might correct, seems much more productive. By now, I think most folks are not so "simple minded"as to think that there is one answer, or that correcting an education system has only to do with buildings, teachers and the institution itself. If I knew the answers, I would be a genius, which I'm not. I will however propose some questions and observations about how society is "supporting" our youth.

Before I discuss some factors which may be contributing to the failure of our youth to receive an education, I do want to point out what I have noticed in the past 20 years or so. Certainly my "opinions" will anger some, but if they help anybody start "fine tuning" their critical thinking skills on behalf of our youth, then I will be happy.

In the past 20 years, or maybe longer, there seems to be a growing gap between the "Haves" and the "Have-nots." The middle class, as most of us know, is a shrinking population. How did this happen? Many will want to point blame to this or that political faction. One thing, I think few can deny (although many will) is that our "American Value of Individualism" has driven the economy, and, in my opinion, driven greed. As we've watched a "Wall Street Debacle", we have seen the funding going into education dwindle. Any first year economics student will tell you that the higher the education, the higher the lifetime earnings. Therefore, it seems to me, that the less education our children receive, they are doomed to less income, and certainly, our high school dropouts are doomed to poverty. Now, everyone can point out exceptions, but I am addressing the average.

Is this what we want for our youth of our country? Certainly, some will benefit, but at what cost? I am not at all sure, that in our in our culture we are encouraged to look at the "long term effects" of what we do. Look at global warming? And I do believe there are some who will "go into denial" to support their lifestyles. Some simply don't care, as long as they and theirs have abundance. Somebody said once, and I don't know who, "That a societies greatness will be judged by how their weakest citizens are treated." This is obviously not a direct quote; but what have we seen of past societies who did not respect all their citizens? Here is another platitude, "If we forget history, we are sure to repeat it."

Our society today is complicated. I still hear folks say, "He/she should pull themselves up by their own boot straps." We have children in our country, whose parents have no "boot straps" so what is to come of these children? What happened to the "American Dream?" Is it only for the "Haves?" This  is a decision we need to make as a nation. I know I don't want to be a citizen of a country that will not support her children, no matter WHO their parents are!

Are parents to blame? But who raised today's parents? It is tough to raise a family in today's economic climate. Even in two parent households, parents are harried and hurried. I believe, having worked with every economic group there is-- that most parents want their children to be happy and successful. Most parents also want their children to have "more," than than they have. So what is going on in our country?

If we look at other industrialized nations, that have a more educated population and youth, we find cultures that strive to "support families." I don't mean financially, although many do help families with children financially, no matter what the income. What I am talking about is a culture where children are "valued,"and children get educational, emotional and cultural supports.

My opinion is:  if we do not recognize our children as the gifts that they are, and if we leave the "raising of children" only to the families that have children, then we will continue in a downhill spiral. So what can we do to help? We all can help even if it is just one child at a time.

When was the last time you volunteered to help a child as "Big Brother or Sister" or as a mentor? How about with your own nieces, nephews, grandchildren or neighborhood children? When was the last time you actually visited a school before voting on a "school bond" or tax? Do you even know if the schools in your area teach the arts anymore? How about P.E. or sports? How do the children who are less affluent in your area afford to play sports, get equipment, pay for dance lessons or music lessons and instruments? These activities keep children engaged in education. Have you checked out the schools to see really what is needed? What are the schools in your area serving in the cafeterias? Do you know what is "fresh,"what is processed, how much salt and fat are in the children's food? Are the children on average obese? What are the children learning about nutrition? How about the parents? How about YOU?! I think it is time we all become educated.

We can not remain, or be a great nation, and be a nation of individuals only. Our youth are in a crisis, and they did not get there alone. We are all responsible.  Let's not place blame, let's find answers. Again a quote, I can not take credit for,"It takes a village to raise a child." I am ready to be a part of that "village." How about you?

Healthy Recipe #1 Vegetable Casserole

This recipe is one designed to use seasonal vegetables and please the "non-vegetable" lovers in your home. this recipe may be used as a "main course," side dish, or appetizer

Ingredients:

1lb of vegetables i.e. zucchini, green beans, asparagus, tomatoes or a combination of more than one. Cut up or slice. If you are trying to get children to eat this dish you may want the veggies to be in small pieces.

1 medium onion sliced

1 cup of shredded cheese--for a a healthier version, I suggest getting a low-fat variety. I like Swiss or cheddar, but almost any cheese will work.

1 cup of cooked rice, I like the health benefits of brown rice.

3 eggs beaten

1/4 cup of bread crumbs

Aprox. 2 tsp of olive oil

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp of ground pepper

other favorite herbs or spices to taste such as rosemary, basil, oregano even curry

Blanch the vegetables and onion, or cook to about 1/2 done

Mix all the other ingredients except bread crumbs. Place in a casserole dish that has been sprayed with a non stick spray. You can vary the size of the casserole depending on how "thick" you want your pieces i.e. for an appetizer, you may want a larger casserole. Place "mixture" in casserole. Top with bread crumbs and drizzle olive oil on the top. Cook in 375 degree oven until top is brown and the casserole is bubbly. Anywhere from 20--40 minutes depending on the "thickness" of the casserole you chose. Start checking at about 20 minutes then check periodically until done.

This recipe is more about a "process" to cook vegetables to get picky eaters to eat veggies.

Grieving the Loss of a Beloved Pet

A few years back, while working for a mental health center, anther therapist came to me stymied by the grief a client was experiencing when her dog died. He just could not understand how this lady could be so distraught over the loss of an animal. As everyone knew, I am a huge animal lover, so he came to me to ask if I would be her therapist.

Anyone who has loved a pet feels the loss acutely. Often  the loss is amplified because a pet is an everyday companion. Of course we all feel grief when "Aunt Bertha " dies, but unless she has been your everyday companion, you might not truly feel the loss until a holiday, or some other occasion in which she participated. When you lose a beloved pet, you have lost a "partner" of sorts, and grief may be far more intense. Many people may be very insensitive to your pain.

I remember when I lost my beloved lab. His death was sudden and unexpected, but even had I been preparing for his death, my grief would still have been very intense. My "boss" at the time, was not pleased, to say the very least, when I took a personal day off of work, after all, "He was only a dog." Such is the insensitivity a pet lover will likely face when she loses a pet.

I remember at a different job, when a co-worker, lost one of her dogs unexpectedly. In her overwhelming grief, she actually entertained the thought that her vet might have not put her pup "to sleep," but had kept her for his own. Now, you may think this was a crazy thought--which it was--but in the depths of grief, folks often lose their sanity temporarily. My other co-workers were shocked at her response to the death, and less than supportive.

Grief and death are something we are very uncomfortable with in our society. People are even less comfortable when discussing the loss of a pet. I have some tips for handling grief we often face when losing our companion.

1. Allow yourself to cry for as long as it takes. Know that what you feel is "normal," and you are allowed to have your feelings.
2. Find a way to get your thoughts and feeling out. Whether it is talking with supportive friends or writing about your feelings. A combination of both is often the most helpful.
3. If you know of "Kuibler- Ross' " 5 stages of grief, throw them out. She is a pioneer in the study of grief, but we now know not everyone goes through these stages. More contemporary studies have been done, and grief is a little more complex than previously thought. So, allow yourself to have your own unique grieving experiences.
4. Don't expect that you will just wake up some morning and your grief will be gone. Grief does not "work" this way. I like to think of grief as the ocean. The tides come in and out and sometimes you are hit with crashing waves.
5. Grief will not all of a sudden go away one day. Grief will always be there to a degree, the pain may lessen with time, but most of us can still feel that acute pain from time to time. My lab died about 4 years ago, and every now and then, my eyes still well up with tears when I think of him!
6. Do something meaningful to "honor" your pet. It might be a grave stone, or a statue or a plant. There is a park where I live, that plants trees in honor of those who have passed. There are several there to pets. Honoring your pet is a very important step for some sort of "closure."
7. If grieving for your pet after about 2 weeks, is debilitating for you, then seek professional help. The loss of a pet can easily trigger emotions about the other losses you have had in your life. Grief can be pretty complicated, and it will help to have somebody to help you process what you are going through.

Feeling grief at the loss of your pet speaks volumes about the relationship with your pet and his or her unique qualities. It also speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. One who can love and appreciate the gift that pets are.

I always recommend that in time a person get another pet. One reason is you don't want to develop the "habit" of avoiding love for fear of being hurt. That is not a way to have a happy life. When you decide to get another pet, remember you are not replacing your previous one. No other pet can replace another pet. I always suggest getting another pet who is different than the one that died. Get one that is a different color, breed  or gender. Every pet has it's own unique personality., and physical differences will help remind you that your new pet is totally a different experience in love.

Life is a journey...

If life is a journey, then my life has certainly been an expedition. Often I feel I've lived many lives and played many roles. Friend, wife, parent, grandparent, and professional to mention just a few. At different times and "stages" the same hats changed color, size and dimension.

I can not believe the roads I've taken. Many, many roads I never thought I would take. No matter whether the roads took me to a "happy place," or one filled with trauma and uncertainty, all roads led to today. And I could not be happier that I was led here.

I have done so many things willingly, I swore I would never do or want to do! Now comes a new chapter. I don't know what I will "name" it. I probably won't name it until I reach the end of this road. In the next month my lifestyle will change, as it has so many times. My husband, I and my four dogs, will be packing up and living in an RV. We want to experience a simplicity by deliberately "downsizing" and experience different environments, most of them in the "country" mostly by a lake.

We will both continue to stay in Kansas, mostly the Wichita area, and work as usual. I  don't know what adventures lay ahead, but I know there will be new adventures and where ever they take us, I will find myself where I want to be.

I know my daughter will be shaking her head when she reads this. My 88 year old parents will likely be dismayed.  All is not going to be "completely lost," we will still have our home, at least until we sell it. At that time we can decide whether this is a lifestyle that we want to live on a more permanent basis.

I do know one thing, I never know myself as well as I thought I did. The experiences in life I thought I would never appreciate have been some of my best! The unplanned have always taken me to somewhere I never knew existed. And through all the bumps in the road, I have always, learned, grown and challenged myself. So buckle up, it will probably be a "bumpy ride!"

My blog will continue as I'd planned. Discussing, love, life, happiness, parenting, relationships and all events that affect people. In between "those blogs" I will keep everyone up to date on our life in the RV! Get a glass of champagne for me and toast our voyage!

Couples: added stress during the recession

It looks so easy on T.V. The house is clean, the children are beautifully above average and your spouse is attractive, witty and charming. It is no wonder that most couples feel they are falling short as partners, earners and parents. The reality, especially during this recession is far from a pretty picture!

It goes without saying, that families are suffering financially--sometimes for the first time. However, because finances are impacted, many folks have had to cut out such extras such as; a cleaning service, lawn service, eating out, the cleaners and many more extras, that impact a household. The end result of all this "cutting" is that the home is no longer a refuge for many families and couples, but instead a jungle of undone tasks and resentment.

Yes. I said resentment. We have long known that money is the issue most couple fight over, however, in working with couples I have noticed a very close second lately, the division of labor. As we wade through the piles of toys, laundry and newspapers, one of the "partners" will make their way to the kitchen only to discover that there are dirty dishes, an less than adequate supply of groceries. At this point, usually somebody temper is short also. At this point the enemy of all marriages may emerge. Resentment, with a capital "R."

This is not what we envisioned when we got married or began a family. Not only is it difficult to make ends meet, but our finances are a mess, our house is a mess and most of us are a mess too. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Where does a person begin when he or she feels overwhelmed, overworked and under appreciated?

I have a few suggestions to start. First, we need to redefine "normal." Even before children or the recession, most couples begin to notice that "marriage is not for the faint of heart," but the rewards can be great. Redefining "normal" may mean lowering some of your expectations, for instance, no family has ever suffered great harm from watching they're toddler write her name in the dust on the end table. In fact, it could be a "positive parenting moment." You can give little Sally kudos for learning to write her name, and put a dust cloth in her hand and teach her a little about dusting. Certainly I am being facetious, to a degree, but there can be real positives for a couple and a family when necessity dictates that we all pull together.

Another suggestion that has resonated with many couples, is to not expect your spouse to do the cooking, laundry, vacuuming and etc. the way YOU would. Generally, it is the wife who has this difficulty, but we can't be sexist here, it can be the man and often it shifts from task to task. I know personally, that my husband does not vacuum as I would, but his doing a "less than perfect job" is far better than it not getting done at all! Most men will "pitch in" if they are appreciated for their effort.

Next, when assigning tasks, make a list of what needs to be done on a daily basis, weekly basis and even a monthly basis. Then go through the tasks, and try to divide them fairly, but paying close attention to who is better at which task or compromise on tasks. For instance, I love to cook, but sometimes it looks like a tornado has gone through the kitchen when I am done. It has been helpful for me to learn to "clean up as I go along" and have my husband do the dishes. You may need to try several different scenarios before you come up with a system that will work for yourself and your partner.

After running through the tasks of the day,most women are exhausted and don't feel particularly "sexy" after scraping mashed potatoes off your toddler's chair. Men, if you did not already know, women, sexually, operate on a "different frequency" then men. When a woman is dead tired, the chances of a "meaningful sexual encounter" or ANY "sexual encounter are nil. This will be very good incentive for some men to contribute to the household "chores." Another point along these lines, is that most women, need a little "down time" to unwind before romance (remember foreplay?) and need to feel attractive. If mom is still scraping the mashed potatoes off her shirt, it is not likely she will feel sexy, even if you think she is ravishing with potatoes on her shirt. A chance to relax and clean-up, will greatly increase a woman's potential for feeling sexy.

Intimacy, is  a must for the "health" of most marriages. I don't mean just sex, I mean all forms of caring touch, a foot rub, a shower together and etc. this may not lead to sex, but in the long run, it will show appreciation for each other and decrease feelings of resentment. Woman need to remember, that for men, sex itself is often an expression of his love for you. Even following all these tips (and this certainly is not a complete list), busy couples still may not have the time or energy for sex. I suggest a "date night" at least once a week. That odes not necessarily mean "sex night," however the chances of feeling sexy will be higher when as a couple you have some "one on one time" without all the pressures of running a household and/or parenting..